Complicated!

[[moondance]]

I am currently involved with someone - without going too deep into my personal life, it is a very complicated situation. Honestly, this person is not always nice to me and most times I question if they even like me. But I do ALOT for this person and am always there to sort out their mess and sort out their problems.

The thing is, because of the situation I am in, I put up with it because it's complex and I know it is nearly impossible to find someone else who will put up with the kinda relationship given my situation (please believe me on this one - it's not a matter of positive thinking and you can attract whatever etc etc)

Anyway so if it was straightforward normal situation I would have surely kicked them to the curb because of how they are to me. It hurts so much to know all I have ever tried to do was be nice & kind to this person and this is how they treat me ( I have done so much for them - completely turned their life around from being in the gutters). But I am coming to hte point where my great need to have this kinda relationship is battling with my own sanity / self worth.

At the moment I feel alot of sadness / hurt. Perhaps if I felt anger instead it may spurn me to do something about it and walk away. How to I make myself strong enough to walk away? I know it is not right for me but my desperation to have a relationship like this is being crossed and knowing despite everything bad about this person, it's rare to find someone of the sort who is willing to put up with everything around me and prob may not find another (please again believe me on this one - no one can really judge or dispute this unless they know my situation)

Thanks x

[Sobek]

"How to I make myself strong enough to walk away?"

simple, just do it and be done with it. many people say this, this, this and this and really its all bullshit. If your having trouble doing something, just do it. i say that from experience. if you give yourself even the slightest of opportunites to have a thought on the subject that is your undoing, decide to do and just do it then and there, once it's out there it can't be taken back.

and also, i think you will be able to find someone, your "situation" that you dont go into may be an influence, but influences arent absolute. but if your going to be a sad sack i doubt it.

[[ForestWitch]]

If you really wanted to walk away you would. When it reaches the place where what hurts you significantly overbalances what you get out of the relationship, you will walk away. What's happening now is that you've faced the fact that it will eventually reach that point and you don't want to go through the waiting for it to get there. It's entirely up to you how decisive you want to be about it, but sometimes when you walk away before you're ready, you start rewriting history down the road begin to doubt that you had to. The trick is, when you're really done, to really let it go.

Also, I don't believe for one moment that you aren't angry. It's coming through in your post. So, allow yourself to feel it.

[Eretik]

Sounds like low self esteem to me. You are worth it,someone who really loves you would understand that and it wouldn't be a problem.Sorry if that's oblique,but I'm second guessing here. Could you tell us more? I have been places and done things I'm not proud of,no shame,life teaches us - some lessons are hard.No one will judge you. Heck,I've been down some dark roads in my life. Strength comes from within,you are stronger than you think.

[[moondance]]

Thank you all for your posts - things have taken a different turn. Still feel very confused about what to do now. I want to walk away but perhaps it is the hurt of having invested so much into someone and for them to be this way to me that holds me back. I just can not believe there are people who can be so ungrateful and horrible. Just feels like I have been kicked in the tummy when I am down. And no doubt i will continue to hurt either way - whether they are here or not. Please send me positive thoughts and healing throughout this time Thanks x

[Eretik]

I was once in a relationship[ if you could call it that - a relationship should be two equals and have compromise etc.lol.] that sounds like your description. It took me far longer than it should have to get out,because I was confused about my own needs,rights and perspectives. I wish you well and hope that you do what is right for you, it's hard to say anything wise, mine was a violent miserable affair that reflected my poor self image at the time. I had to get out to recover my self identity and self esteem. I hope it works out for you and I am thinking of you.

[Elem]

I want to walk away but perhaps it is the hurt of having invested so much into someone and for them to be this way to me that holds me back. I just can not believe there are people who can be so ungrateful and horrible.

Unfortunately, there are people in life that take and take, with no give. These people will take advantage of people like yourself, who want to help. They'll take whatever you've got to give - but that doesn't mean they'll change. You inevitably end up feeling drained and low in self-esteem, after having spent so much time trying to help someone.. For them to just turn around and throw it back in your face.

For the most part, these people can't just be 'helped', or 'fixed'.. And are likely to take offense that that's what you're trying to do, even if you have the very best intentions. They need to help themselves. Unfortunately, there are always countless people who see them and want to help, thus feeding their desire for attention.. There will always be someone who'll say "But surely I can help this poor person!".. Which is why the individual never appreciates the help they're getting - Because there's an endless flow of it coming from other people, so they don't have to try for themselves.

I'm aware this might sound cruel to some people, particularly to those who believe that nobody is 'beyond helping'.. But some people need to help themselves. It's hard to turn a blind eye to someone who you see to be suffering, but in some cases trying to 'help' only feeds them the attention they want.. And so long as they're getting that attention for acting the way they do, they'll continue to do so.

Walk away. You can invest so much time in these people that you cease to have a life yourself anymore.. They'll take and take and take, without giving anything in return. It's not until they realise their problems for themselves, or until they cope with them by themselve.. That they'll appreciate the help you're giving. Tell this person that you aren't going to help any further. That, when they've sorted their life out, you'll be there.. But not until they start to take responsibility for themselves and for their problems. No matter how much help you give, or how much energy you put into them.. It isn't going to help, unless they're willing to put the energy in too.

Elem

[[ForestWitch]]

Yeah, it would be nice if we all could rid ourselves of the mythology that a messed up person can be turned around by the love of the right person. It hardly ever turns out that way. I think that most people can be helped and that we should go through life being willing to try to help others, BUT I'm also pretty certain that help can rarely be effectively delivered from within an intimate relationship. You need to have more distance and objectivity to keep from turning into an enabler.

My rule of thumb in becoming involved with someone is: I'd better like him the way he is because I'm sure not going to change him.

[[moondance]]

Thanks all for your wise words - I hope that I can use them to make me stronger. Many thanks x