Realisations

[L.J.Hex]

Things have changed somewhat since my last post on this thread.

I have never been as androgynous that I am now and the further I go, better I feel. How should I put this... Its not really easy to talk about it even after almost a year since I finally made peace with my weirdness.

I think I'm having it easier than some as I don't have any dysphoria "forcing" me into changing my body, I have never loved myself this much before. But I'm moving into a "guy with tits" territory, by natural means mind you as I really want to keep things down there in a functioning order.

Had a fun and weird night out with my friends day before yesterday. I had drinks with them, planned for just a few, but they had tquila and you all know how that ends up. But I had fun. It was the first time I went out with these guys bit dressed up and not hiding anything. They knew nothing before. One of them said unforgettable fun one liner "F***! Dude you have boobs!" The situation was soooo funny, I had such a good laugh and sked him, "haven't you noticed before, I've been like this for a good while?" At some point he got into some drunken homophobic moment and I ihad to assure him that I'm not interested about his backside and I already have a girlfriend. I guess he didn't get the joke as that guy himself is rather girly.

My friends took it with friendly laughter and being just surprised. Only one guy there felt seemingly awkward from what I sensed. It was great. But I have no clue if I really shocked them or not. First times are cool, coming out to friends like this... I don't know if I would do it in any other bunch than these guys. Millenials, they have some nice sides about them. Much more open minded than some older folks.

People love to give titles for everything... Which I think is some times just stupid. The gender identity thing is starting to remind me of how heavy metal is so fractured these days, every other band has their own "genre" which is mostly just invented crap to make it sell better and seem unique. I think same sort of goes for all the titles.... But if I had to, I have went from being a "man" to gender fluid adnrogynous in-between in a mans body. I've put quite an effort to accentuate my feminine traits and its making me feel like home. Not that I wouldn't like my body, I love it, I've gone a long way from the self-hatred of my youth...Thinking back, it probably stemmed mostly from not really knowing "what" I am and who I am. And also from all the bullying and bad stuff that went on back in the day.

I've done a lot and I want more, my dream is to find a balance, I'm closer to that mentally than ever before and I wish my body to reflect my mind and my soul. I love being a weirdo.

[hummingbird]

Hey,
read your post. I might be a bit older than you. But the thing you write, about not really fitting in, being moulded differently - that resonates with me, too. I am like that. Do you know about the native american way of looking at genders? They acknowledge like, 5 different genders (see: https://www.the-numinous.com/2016/07/06 ... o-spirits/) I kind of am a bit like that, although I am a woman, but I have days I wished I was a man, and I don't like my body that much as I should. I feel both genders as well. Don't want to talk much about myself but just wanted to share that you are not alone feeling like this. If I could, I probably would consider changing but in my situation, that's not doable, for several reasons. xx

[L.J.Hex]

Hey Hummingbird.

What a nice synchronicity, I had been thinking about posting to this thread for some time now, but something held me... You just gave me a reason to. I haven't read that article before, that's interesting. Although I am familiar with the idea. It seems many indigenous cultures have much more sophisticated idea about gender/roles, American Indians aren't the only ones from what I know. I like it, I think they have a great idea there, much more realistic than strict male/female roles as everyone's different and some just do not fit into that no matter what.

I certainly do not fit in, I'm definitely somewhere in between. Some times I feel like my mind and personality are as female as it gets, but I can quickly change sides so to speak when I have to. And I love it, kind of gives me a broader perspective on life and makes it easier to understand people. Now I'm just repeating myself from earlier...

The new thing since I last posted on this is that I've started taking herbal supplements which can be seen as a natural HRT. I'm trying to be careful not to loose my function down there as that's certainly not something I'm ready for at this time. (I wish I could have children at some point.) Its making my body clearly more feminine, I feel so much better about myself. I should have realised this years ago. This stuff also makes quite big mental changes from what I've read, but interestingly the only change so far is that it makes me more calm, takes the rough edges off my emotions which is nice. I'm certain I'm meant to be like this, usually bio males who are really far at the masculine end get all kind of emotional mess if their hormone balance changes to more feminine direction, but I'm not having any of those problems I've read about, quite the opposite.

The only real problem I'm facing at some point if I keep going on is that I can't hide my body at some point... And I hate to pretend to be something I'm not. My family is the real issue, others, I don't really mind what they think and friends accept me or they wont be my friends for long.

So nice to find someone else here who's in the same boat to an extent.

[hummingbird]

Hello L.J.
sounds like you really riding the wave there good to become ourselves, for sure. And what others think, oh well... But I understand the concerns one could have for instance, with close friends or family. It's tough but then, if they don't accept who you are, what worth is it to have them close to you? Wishing you all the best x

[L.J.Hex]

Yea, lot of new things coming in at the moment... Quite a ride, and I'm loving it. Its becoming clearer now that I have probably more of a female brain wiring than I have previously thought. What I lack is irl friend with same issue, luckily there's supportive friends around. Its just lonely some times as these issues aren't something that can be brought up with anyone.

[Jeanne Rising]

Just registered here a few days ago and now found this subsection of the forum. Always nice and interesting to read about other stories, that are somewhat related. My path is less in between and more the typical "straight forward" MtF transsexual approach...but of course I could feel connected nonetheless. Finding my inner goddess and deities i can connect to seems like a missing piece of my puzzle that i set out to find in the last months ... I feel happy for you, that your path seems to become clearer as well!

[L.J.Hex]

Hello Jeanne. ^_^

Well, I'm a certified weirdo on this stuff... The thing is that I have never had an urge to become a woman in the usual sense, but I still want to change my body towards that direction and so far doing that has made me feel much more comfortable than before. Some conflicting feelings along with it of course as this stuff isn't always easy to deal with. Far from self explanatory. I do have those days when I think "why wasn't I born a woman, that would have made life better for me." But then again, I'm lucky to have such nice body already, no problem with it... And I've had female traits in my physical appearance since the day one of this life. Now I just want to embrace those traits like never before. It took ages to have the guts for it, not everybody's cup of tea for sure. And who knows where I'll go with it, complete transition doesn't come into question at this point in my life, but maybe later it will. But I do realise the fact that I can never become a functioning woman no matter what tricks I would use. My plan is to find the golden middle with all things. Balance.

Few months ago I made a drastic decision to see how natural herbal HRT would work on me, less invasive than the pharma way, but the only way with it is trial and error. So far its been very positive change, specially on emotional and mental side of things. The problem is that I can not go all in with it, as I have a wish to have children at some point. Specially now that I've finally found such a great girlfriend... She's totally supportive of what I'm doing and very easy to come along with, I may marry her at some point. If we get married and have luck with kids, that could change everything, then I could think of going all in with this physical change.

Anyway, my search for more feminine appearance has been very nice so far, without any nasty side effects, except for total rethinking of who and what I am, which I think would have happened regardless what I do with ageing. Last two years have been a time of reflecting and thinking forward and jumping to the deep end as life is short.

I'm attaching a pic here, I hope its ok to the mods? Anyway, I think its quite visible that I'm no ordinary guy in appearance either... I would have pics that show more, but EUTM isn't the place to show those. I have come from an "ordinary dude" to this in less than two years, now +2 months in with the herbal HRT. And no regrets, I think its the right thing to do. I'm just sad why didn't I realise all this much earlier, I've known that I'm different since I was kid. Took me good +30 years to realise this. But then again, if I realised this stuff in my late teens or something, my life would have turned out totally different, I may have gone through transition and live as a woman now, who knows.

So nice to find some like minded people here with similar issues. Its not easy to find them.