Everything Under the Moon

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this, but I have to open up a little. I guess it is as we're such a varied bunch on EUTM. I don't have many people to whom to talk about this stuff as its kind of heavy, and I know several to whom I wouldn't dare say a word as they wouldn't understand me anyway.

I have always had hard time with trying to make people understand my thoughts and what not. It was a total mystery for me for the longest time. I've always somehow felt that I don't belong. I don't fit in the mould I'm "supposed" to fill. A mould of a "normal" person and a man.

Maybe its the lack of always present father figure in my childhood, the sort of open upbringing, maybe I have some sort of mental disorder or maybe its what I think it is, that my brain is just wired differently. What ever makes it so, I don't feel like "man" some times. I know for fact that my mind is wired like that of a woman, my thinking and the way I deal with life is very feminine, I have always had difficulty fitting in the role of a man in mental sense. Now when I think back, it was already apparent when I was little kid. I was expected to be like other boys were, but I just never could. I knew I was different ages ago...

And now as I'm old enough and have had long enough time to think of things, I've had enough of hiding who I am. I'm both guy and girl. Body of a man, mind of a woman, personality somewhere in between. I have started to understand why all kind of creative things and attention for details is my thing. I now understand why over the top masculinity makes me hair stand on my back with disgust. I now get it why I make friends with women so easily... Its all because my mind is a female mind. I came to this conclusion maybe a year ago and as time passes on, it seems to be coming stronger now that I'm finally accepting it to be the truth.

I said I've had enough of hiding, I just want to be me, regardless of what people might think of it. I'm already a weirdo to many, my friends, the good ones who matter already know what an oddball I can be so showing my femininity to an extent wont be a problem to them. My family on the other hand, oh dear. I think most of them would be disgusted with me if I "come out" with this stuff. I thought it may be better to let them pick it up them selves if they will. It doesn't really matter much to be honest, whoever is unable to accept me isn't worth my time anyway. But family is family.

The thing is that I have no idea where to draw the line, how feminine do I dare to look or behave... The line has to be drawn somewhere as if I just let it go, knowing myself, I will soon overdo things and that could end up badly. I don't want to be questioned for it. I don't want to get beaten up because of it. I don't want any kind of drama really, but I want to be me. I'm afraid that if I allow myself that, I'm opening such can of worms that gods may have mercy on me.

I'm not looking to transition, I'm fairly pleased with my body, that's where I draw the line for sure. But its very clear that I want to show my feminine side somewhat and I want to feel comfortable with this weirdness... I'm even thinking of feminising my body somewhat. Without screwing up hormones or going under the knife, I want to have kids one day and surgery I think would just ruin things. But there are other ways, that I know for a fact.

The problem is, I know what I want, but I have no clue how far do I dare to go. And I'm naturally still having some internal struggle with myself... I guess these things aren't easy or clear as day to anyone. I just wish I had someone to talk with. And don't tell me I need therapy, I might, but not that way. I'm too sane for that.

Remember, it's not that you are not normal. It's that you don't fit into what most people define as normal. There is nothing wrong with you, society has developed some messed up ideas on what a man and woman should be. Screw those ideas. Be who you are.

Honestly, try to get involved with the lgbt community in your area. It will give you some safe space to test things out while still keeping it a fairly private matter from your family. Just in the last year or so I have come to acknowledged that I am bi- curious. So I do understand how tough it is to break from the societal idea of normal also.

Remember, it's not that you are not normal. It's that you don't fit into what most people define as normal. There is nothing wrong with you, society has developed some messed up ideas on what a man and woman should be...bleep...those ideas. Be who you are.

Honestly, try to get involved with the lgbt community in your area. It will give you some safe space to test things out while still keeping it a fairly private matter from your family. Just in the last year or so I have come to acknowledged that I am bi- curious. So I do understand how tough it is to break from the societal idea of normal also.

Thankfully I do have two friends who know what this sort of stuff is about. And you're right, I shouldn't feel an outsider and a weirdo for it, but... These matters ain't easy.

Funny that you mention, did I say I "label" myself as bi-curious too? Btw, I hate these labels, it seems there's million and one fringe "scenes" of everything these days.

Yea labels suck, you didn't mention that in your post it was more about my own fairly recent realizations. I believe the lgbt community is simply the safest place to explore any self identification or sexuality that is outside of societal norm. That is why I brought it up. Seems like it is time to stop over analysing and start experimenting.

The great thing about metal scene.

Being a metalhead and looking like one is one damn big advantage. There are so many metalheads who are somewhat androgynous looking and/or gay etc., there's not much weird about it. Its a twisted irony that looking "girly" with long hair and clothing like a christmas tree isn't frowned upon, often times its seen as sort of rock 'n' roll manliness. When I'm among my "tribe", I can be as girly as it gets and it will be accepted if as nothing else, then 80's nostalgia....

That's not a problem, metalheads, specially in the thrash metal scene are usually very tolerant. No matter how different you are from someone, but if both have Slayer T-shirt, your colours match.

The problem is everything else. Or I don't know if there is a problem? Its been long since I cared much what irrelevant people think of me... But I do care about friends and family of course and I don't want to upset them.(Too much.) I need to find some kind of golden middle with this, if I wouldn't care, I would totally overdo everything, but better take things slow. There's just some things that might make it impossible to hide, and I'm talking about feminising my body. This thing doesn't come up out of the woodwork, I have had thoughts on it for quite a long time, and I really want some change. There's just the tipping point with looks when things become too obvious. Having a gigantic elephant in the room is probably worse than "upsetting" someone with the truth.

My impression is that you're spiritually well balanced, but that since a lot of society isn't as fortunate, you feel out of step.

My impression is that you're spiritually well balanced, but that since a lot of society isn't as fortunate, you feel out of step.

Thanks. Yea, I agree as I do not have a problem within myself I think? I'm just a girly dude and I don't want to hide it any more. Finland is rather conservative about these things, times are changing for better luckily. In a perfect world I wouldn't need to even post things like this.

This is very much akin to "coming out of the broom closet" actually. Only the subject is different, people's possible reaction could be very much the same. Its funny, on the other hand I do not care much and on the other I'm scared. Its like a jump to the deep end without seeing what's on the way... But I guess C'est la vie.

A little update on this.

I'm already finding like minded friends and have "come out" for few people I know. So far everybody have been overwhelmingly accepting and supportive. Its not easy, but this has been a breeze so far. No doubt not everybody will be ok with it, but who cares.

I'm feeling so comfortable with this. Feels like coming home, being just me with my female side. I guess I'm becoming even more weird as I get older. Although I have no idea what to do about my family. If I will go on with this full blast, it will be too obvious to ignore at some point and awkward questions will be coming. I wouldn't want to hide anything, I'm really bad at not talking about something that's "bothering" me all the time, but I guess its time to learn to shut up some times.

With you LJ Hex. I am a vagina too not just a penis. There is something in this, something called the genetic manipulation of the species. When people tell other people that they are not allowed to be "gay" (defined as 'satanic', imho) the DNA starts to jangle incoherent-ly.

I am right on this page myself. "She" has something to express, and to me it is "I am a child of Christ" - I don't mean jesus and the church I mean the whole Christ legacy is holy! To the bitter end that the church is in fact inevitably forbidden It! they only prove births deaths and marriages anyway. barker

With you LJ Hex. I am a vagina too not just a penis. There is something in this, something called the genetic manipulation of the species. When people tell other people that they are not allowed to be "gay" (defined as 'satanic', imho) the DNA starts to jangle incoherent-ly.

I am right on this page myself. "She" has something to express, and to me it is "I am a child of Christ" - I don't mean jesus and the church I mean the whole Christ legacy is holy! To the bitter end that the church is in fact inevitably forbidden It! they only prove births deaths and marriages anyway. barker

I'm glad I'm not the only one in here.

Funny thing you should mention satanic and the church here.... It seems that I'm just adding things on the list which would have gotten me hanging or burning in the old times. Or in certain not-so-civilised countries.

Its interesting that now that I have come out with who I really am and this topic has been in my mind 24/7 for a good while now, it just feels better every moment that I do not need to suppress the "girl" any more. And I got to say that searching for a balance of masculine/feminine in me is very exciting and I'm no way settled down with it yet.

I just came out about this stuff to a bandmate, this required some courage as this guy is quite old fashioned on some things, but he's very accepting of it. As if I didn't like him before, now I do even more. He's a close friend who I trust 100% and now even more. I'm s surprised how well my friends are taking it. No bad attitudes at all so far.

I wish we could just be people.
I can relate Hex having felt frequently more like a boy than a girl. My voice is deep and shoot...I can grow more facial than I really care to being a female. I am nearly always called sir on the phone and used to think I would make a better looking boy than a girl. Especially with a mustache! Now I just wish to wrinkle evenly, lol !! And hope my boobs don't hit the floor
I was always more comfortable running with the boys, climbing trees, racing cars, using the chain saw, smoking nonfilter cigs, eh-heh, cough.. Wearing makeup was only appealing in the beginning, now I feel uncomfortable wearing make-up with the exception of mascara. Red lips? Nay not !
I would consider myself bi as I love both genders, but I don't share that with family currently, or with anyone else really. Perhaps if I ever become unmarried that would change, he knew who I was before he married me.
I can see how it could be more difficult for a man feeling feminine, women wearing pants without make up is pretty quotidian these days. I'm really glad your band mate was cool with your opening up, but in my opinion it really isn't anyone's business but your own, unless you did transgender, then family might get involved, and with friends it would become evident, because the untrue ones would fall away.
Blessings upon you on your journey, I think you are an amazingly talented person and seem like your head is screwed on in a good way. That can be a rare thing.
Bb, Firebird

I wish we could just be people.
I can relate Hex having felt frequently more like a boy than a girl. My voice is deep and shoot...I can grow more facial than I really care to being a female. I am nearly always called sir on the phone and used to think I would make a better looking boy than a girl. Especially with a mustache! Now I just wish to wrinkle evenly, lol !! And hope my boobs don't hit the floor
I was always more comfortable running with the boys, climbing trees, racing cars, using the chain saw, smoking nonfilter cigs, eh-heh, cough.. Wearing makeup was only appealing in the beginning, now I feel uncomfortable wearing make-up with the exception of mascara. Red lips? Nay not !
I would consider myself bi as I love both genders, but I don't share that with family currently, or with anyone else really. Perhaps if I ever become unmarried that would change, he knew who I was before he married me.
I can see how it could be more difficult for a man feeling feminine, women wearing pants without make up is pretty quotidian these days. I'm really glad your band mate was cool with your opening up, but in my opinion it really isn't anyone's business but your own, unless you did transgender, then family might get involved, and with friends it would become evident, because the untrue ones would fall away.
Blessings upon you on your journey, I think you are an amazingly talented person and seem like your head is screwed on in a good way. That can be a rare thing.
Bb, Firebird

Thank you for your kind words. ^_^

So nice to see that I'm not the only "oddball" in here. But that is to be expected among witches as we're already on the fringe and often these things go hand in hand.

Funny thing, I have always likes tomboy girls/women. I guess its the familiarity in thinking and personality that does it. I don't like that much women who are even too feminine, I mean behaviour more than looks. (I love very feminine looking women, its beautiful on the right person.)

You're right that its not really anybody's business as these things are by far things of my mind than anything else. But I want to tell my friends to weed out the wrong ones and I want them to know what to expect. So far they have been absolutely amazing about this. I'm so glad I have such nice friends around who love me for who I am.

The transgender thing is interesting as I do want to feminise my body, but I do not wish change completely into a woman. The fun side is that I don't have any forcing need to change as I love my body and its masculine traits a lot. I want to find sort of equilibrium of gender characteristics, something that feels like I feel inside. I have always had rather feminine bodytype, excluding my size, I'm quite tall and heavy, but I have some hourglass shape and very slim waist for a guy of my size... I have also had little gynecomastia since my teens and I'm in the process of giving a little oomph for the things nature started. So far I'm doing very good progress on this and I'm feeling more in tune with my body than every before. I think this is what I'm meant to become in a way. The only thing that are completely out of question would be a massive change to my hormones or a surgery. I want to stay healthy and capable of having children.

Btw, I have never been very keen about make-up, most of the time I think its totally unnecessary as I can see the natural beauty in people. But I LOVE women's clothing. I have always been secretly envious for girls being allowed to look pretty but I'm not. I'm bit of a crossdresser, but not really over the top and I wouldn't even want that.

I'm so happy about how everyone has been taking my little change. I'm feeling its the right thing to do.

Yep I have been through that very 'thought process.' It's awesome eh? Once I found the feminine in myself, female others were top fun to have around. A whole new world... I don't want sex, anything, with men it's just a case of being all of myself.

Yep I have been through that very 'thought process.' It's awesome eh? Once I found the feminine in myself, female others were top fun to have around. A whole new world... I don't want sex, anything, with men it's just a case of being all of myself.

Funny that you mention that... I had a "girls night" with a two friends last night, totally out of the blue this girl called me to visit her and I did. We had so much fun, I was being myself and it was totally girl stuff, funny thing was that these two didn't even realise it before I told them a bit. It was crazy, I go out with two girls and feel like I fit in with them perfectly and they didn't even pick it up first. So funny. My friend said she told her husband to get out of the house as she wants to hang out with her girlfriends and soon after she calls me. Oh the sweet irony.