My Life is Falling Apart

[MysticDreamFaerie]

I don't know where to start but I feel as my life is falling apart right now. Sometimes I wish I could rewind back time when my doctor prescribed me my new medication for anxiety which is called Klonopin and I wish I never taken it. I feel so stupid for not looking up the side effects and looking up how dangerous this drug is but I trusted my doctor and took it to treat it for anxiety cause I was suffering with PTSD. There were times where I was afraid to leave my house cause I thought my abusive boyfriend would stalk me and try to kill me. The drug started to work and everything was fine for me, than I started to feel different. At the time I was a smoker and anytime I smoked my hand would shake, I thought this was very weird to me. Than pretty soon after that I would completely forget things. I would call back people and ask them if I asked them a certain question or ask them what we even talked about. My brain was completely forgetful and I have a very good memory.

One night I went over my friends house and they looked very nervous and upset and told me to sit down. I sat down calmly and they told me that the medication I was given was dangerous and how it impacted a lot of people in the world. At the time I laughed and didn't want to believe my friend so he showed me about 5 web sites and showed me the side effects to the drug. Than asked me, why didn't you look up the side effects before taking it? And do research about it? Everything drained from my body and I broke down crying, I knew than I had to get off the drug but my friend advised me that it wouldn't be easy that I had to taper off of it and that I would suffer with horrible withdrawals. This scared me. I went to my doctor and told him I wanted to be taken off the drug and he slowly took me off of the drug slowly and now since October I've been having horrible withdrawal symptoms. I don't even want to go into full detail about all of it, the list is so long. I've lost friends cause of this and my family all think I'm crazy. About 1 week ago I just got out of the hospital cause I thought about suicide. My new boyfriend who I was dating and who was supporting me at the time through my PTSD turns out to be an abuser as well and broke up with me. And he ended up taking advantage of me too while withdrawing when I completely out of it and an vulnerable state.

Now I'm on different medication and I'm slowly getting better but I'm still experiencing horrible withdrawal symptoms. Not many people believe me but I continue to show them links on what it can do to people and I show them youtube videos and they end up believing me but don't want to talk to me cause they say it's too much for them. I came back on here to distract myself with all the pain that I'm feeling right now, cause I just want to be normal again. And sorry to speak so bluntly but I miss being able to kiss someone and for someone to hold me but I don't think that'll happen to me for awhile considering what I'm going through right now. I think having a boyfriend isn't something I need right now. I'm tired of this misery that I'm feeling right now. I just want someone to talk too right now, I want to be distracted. I'm tired of everything that I'm feeling right now.

If I had a time machine, I'd use it and go back in time to September and never take that medication for anxiety. But what did I know? I was stupid and I trusted my doctor. Should have looked at the side effects and researched it, but I didn't. It's all my fault.....everything is my fault...I'm so stupid!

[SnowCat]

You have my sympathy. Your doctor should have made a point of explaining possible side effects to you, and the dispensing pharmacist should have done so as well. It's great, when we, as patients, remember to research our medications before starting them, but that's not our legal responsibility. When we're sick, we want to feel better. We don't want to read a long winded dissertation that may or may not make sense.

Klondike is a benzodiazepine, which puts it in the same drug class as Valium. These are schedule IV controlled substances, which means that they carry the potential for physical dependency and addiction. Anything with a risk of physical dependency is going to cause withdrawal if it's stopped abruptly. My dad's Valium was stopped abruptly, due to addiction, so he moved on to alcohol. Addiction wasn't understood as well in the 1970's. You can get through this. It sounds like benzos are not a good option for you. That would be a good discussion to have with your doctor. You might want to get a more complete blood work up too, including a comprehensive thyroid panel. Throwing medication at a problem without understanding the root cause, rarely works well. This is especially true for psychotropics. Take care of yourself.

Nurse Snow

[Firebird]

One thing I would like to say is...be easy on yourself. If you have been in abusive situations and are struggling with PTSD your brain is working on overload. When we remind ourselves the brain is attempting to cope, it cannot do things like form new memories when in the midst of turmoile, we can be kinder to ourself and not get onto the self loathing path. Instead remind yourself you are trying hard and you are worth it. I'm sure once you've set your mind to getting off of the drugs that with time you'll feel better. It would seem our doctors should know best but meds don't work the same in everyone. This may sound simplistic but have you attempted psychotherapy and meditation? Also if you live in a big city there should be domestic violence services avaliable. Group counseling can be very healing...something about knowing you are not the only one who is or has been in an abusive relationship really helps.

Call the number in this link and see if there is such a place near you. When you can regain your inner strength, finding the fortitude to get beyond feeling the effects of withdraw should also kick in. It's hard to be lonely, remember this will pass and when your strong look for the one who will let you be you in your relationship.
http://everythingunderthemoon.net/forum ... 25403.html

Please feel free to pm me if you need to vent.
Sending light and blessings, Firebird

[blue_moon]

I also suffered from really bad depression. Mine got better with medication and will.

But every pharma- med. Has major side effects! Don't be so hard on yourself ♡ for not researching - and dont be hard on yourself for beeing forgetful! You brain is working to sort out things and just can't keep everything. (I am almost dement if I dont get enough rest! Like the other day, I'll remember I wanted to do sth on the computer. It was on for over an hour until I finally remembered WHY!)

What you need is a safe environment to help calm you down and get you back on track - but who will have the time to do this 24/7? You need to get a specialist to help you and get your close family and friends together and tell them what's going on. It is so important to talk about this. There is nothing to be ashamed about. There are things in your body going wrong - its not you beeing crazy - its your body not producing enough serotonin and other messengers (?). This is how your body reacts to it. It's not you deciding to be this way.
This is pretty hard for others to understand because of the wrong picture we have in our heads - depression means beeing sad - you can only be sad if sth really really REALLY bad happened! - but this is not true. Depression should be called a metabolic disease because this is what it is.

My thaughts are with you - be strong to find the help you need! You will find help and get well ♡