Everything Under the Moon

I'm not a little kid. Nor am I one to hunt for secret meanings behind every tree and bush, but in this case something is honestly going on, and I'd really like some feedback. I was introduced to Wicca about a month ago, so I'm still so new I don't even know which questions to ask. Here goes.

I moved to a forest 30 years ago. Deep woods 25 years ago. The only buildings I can see from any point on my property are the ones I own. Natural, undisturbed forest. Very few human neighbors out here. Lots of four-footed ones, though. The Sierra Nevada Mountains at its best.

I've been having the sense for a couple of weeks that I need a crystal, something significant, not just any crystal and not that I have any idea what I'm supposed to do with it. Just a feeling. (hold that thought)

Next. I've had a pair of hawks nesting on my property for 3 or 4 years and have watched hawks in the area for decades. I'm very familiar with their normal behavior. They watch from the treetops sometimes like any other bird but never get close. Never. Except that day before yesterday, one of them was hopping around on the skylight in my kitchen ceiling staring down at me. For him to be hopping and walking for an extended period of time on something that to him was invisible AND making deliberate eye to eye contact with a human less than 6 feet away was beyond bizarre. He even stayed put while I got my camera and didn't mind me taking pictures. It was an elemental contact pure and simple.

Yesterday morning, I lit my altar candles as a gentle, non specific salutation to the Goddess and got ready to meet my family in town for the 4th of July parade. (Ultra teeny, tiny town whose big claim to fame is the post office where I get my mail.) I did my parade thing then went to the fair at the park.

Against all odds, I found a vendor selling bundles of sage and lavender for smudging. I've been wanting something for smudging, too. Yay! You have to understand that this fair is so small that there were only about 10 vendors total and half of them sold food. For me to find this stuff was pretty unexpected.

Next booth. Not only was it a vendor selling crystals, I found a crystal that fits my hands like it grew just for that purpose. One side fits perfectly in my left hand. The other side fits perfectly in my right. When I hold it there's a sense that it's an elemental force. As I turn my wrist, the weight shifts as if it becomes heavier then lighter. I've held a lot of rocks in my day and never experienced anything like this. The occlusions behind the absolutely clear center main crystal shift with the light in a manner that isn't quite normal either. Touching it feels slightly disrespectful as if I'm not ready for it yet. A little like a child holding a loaded gun. None of the other crystals I picked up that day felt like this one. They were just pretty rocks. I ruptured my budget and bought it.

On the other side of the park I found another vendor, one selling pieces of basalt shaped into arrowheads (probably made in China). 4 for $1. They felt like the 4 compass points and I should get them. I did. Also bought small, cheap pieces of tigers eye, rose quartz and amethyst.

I went home and discovered that I'd left my altar candles burning. They'd burned clear out. I live in a forest. You NEVER leave open flame unattended. EVER. I've never done that in 30 years. I took one look at my altar and had the feeling that everything was as it was supposed to be. I set the crystal, sage and lavender on the altar and the stones on the shelf below it. An offering suddenly felt completed, one I didn't quite know I'd made.

Which brings me to today. Every time I look at my altar I get the feeling something changed. It's "more" somehow. Less casual? Spiritually deeper?

Ok, my Wiccan and Pagan brothers and sisters. What the heck is this and what do I do to properly respect it?

To me it sounds like completion. As if everything you did that day was what needed and suppose to be done by your goddess/god(s). You may not have known it but the universe works in strange ways and some are beneficial as well as essential for spiritual development. It must have been an amazing feeling indeed!

I'm sure someone else can add more too this but that is my feeling on this experience.

I wholeheartedly agree with AJ that the universe works in strange ways. To me it looks like the universe is showing you, that you are ready to follow this path.

Thank you to all. I'm not on the internet everyday and sometimes it takes awhile before I can get back here. The delay is in no way a reflection of how much I value the answers and appreciation of the time you took to make them.

As bad as things are right now in my life, perhaps this is a sign that I'm about to push through. For a hawk to hop up and down on my skylight and stare at me, it's got to mean something. That was just too weird. And I desperately need a sign really badly right now. So much is horrible that sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air or sick to my stomach. I just started taking some medication for stress and it's a much needed bandage until I can find a path out of the financial disasters and my medical issues.

Even when I was a passionate Christian I was doing some Pagan practices instinctively. Since I discovered Wicca (somewhere about the 1st of June) I've been trying to listen more to my inner voice to guide me. Perhaps all the turns for the worse is a clearing out process?

Please let this be a sign that my life will get good again.

Thank you again to all, and if you have any other thoughts or guidance I'd be beyond grateful.

Financial disasters and medical difficulties can feel endless and overwhelming. I think you're being given signs of better times ahead.

Snow

Thank you Snow. I am choosing as act an of faith to believe that this is a true sign of better times ahead. I have the sense that I'm being gently watched over, and that is always a good thing.

In May one of my beloved cats got out and was killed. The grieving has been pretty deep. I'm just now getting my head above water with it. Then nIght before last, one of my other cats got out in the middle of the night and disappeared. I searched then prayed and lit candles by instinct - miles apart from my former Christian method. Losing another fur kid was just too much. When I got home last night from work about 11 I searched again. Against all odds, I found him. He'd been attacked - probably by a bobcat from the fang spread - but is ok. He was just too terrified to come home on his own. Yes, there was lots of thanksgiving at the altar last night.

Like I said in the original post, I'm not prone to hidden meanings, etc behind every event, but something is going on in the unseen realm. I feel like I'm finding and learning tools to fight back, to protect my family - both human and furred - and my life will be good again.

When I lost a furbaby last year, after intensive intervention, I was devastated. He was only a baby. Anubis visited me one night, and explained that when a furbaby has been so well loved, but lacks the means to survive, he calls them to walk with him. They ease the transition for the ones who died alone and unloved. My baby has since returned to me in a new kitty suit, and is doing well. It really did help me to know that even the tragic passings have meaning.

Snow

Snow, thank you again for answering. I always find your posts meaningful and sometimes click on your name to find your other posts. A lot of wisdom there. Keep up the great work! (Btw, awesome new picture.)

When Tori got out and was killed, I knew the next morning she was dead because I felt her with me and continued to feel her presence on and off for a couple of days. Yet when after 4 days I found her body, she hadn't been dead for 4 days. So think she had one paw in this world and one in the next. When Salem got out and was attacked, I was intellectually sure he was dead, but I didn't feel him. With the bond we have that didn't make sense. Then when I found him hiding and injured, it made sense. All paws had been firmly in this world. His wounds are healing beautifully, btw, and we're closer than ever.

Your comments about Anubis fascinated me. I have often wondered if there was some sort of "balancing the scales" or comforting process in the afterlife for the fur babies who were abused, unloved or battled long illnesses. I do not believe animals are lesser beings than us. I believe they are on assorted different paths. I believe that those different paths all serve a unique purpose for themselves and in the bigger picture in the afterlife - whatever it may be. I think reincarnation is absolutely real, but that it's not mandatory, somewhat like a fork in the road that we choose.

My life has always been nasty with little snippets of joy and reprieve. I also believe that at least to a degree I chose this option as a means to work/push through an important lesson. It's taken me 60 years to find the Pagan path and to start learning truth, discarding what passed for truth and had kept leading me off into ditch after ditch. If I don't get it right this time, perhaps I can call it a night.

My beloved Tori is definitely gone. I don't feel even a snippet of her presence. Whatever she's doing, she's doing so on her own terms. I pray that somehow we will be reunited, along with the others I've loved and miss.

One thing I know for certain, that hawk on my skylight was definitely trying to get my attention. My spiritual eyes, ears and heart are wide open and eager to absorb everything I can.

As always, any additional feedback from you and anyone else is gratefully received. (I'm not on the computer everyday, so please forgive the late responses.)

Greetings ShadowCat. May I first express my condolences for Tori and pray to Bastet for Salem's recovery. Secondly, I as well value SnowCat's opinion. She is very wise. And thirdly, I love your avatar. Though Kites and Scorpions are more my drift. I do love cats though.

I wish I could sympathize with you on all your problems, but I can sympathize with your feelings towards Wicca. The religion and its followers as a whole have greatly bettered me spiritually and make me feel happy, content, and accepted. I do believe that the universe has called you to say that brighter times are coming.

When I was younger, I had a kitten who my parents sold while i was away at school. I was devastated. I never let go of that one thing, until Whiskies (Please excuse the dorky name) contacted me one night. He was a grown cat and I almost didn't recognize him physically. But I felt him, I felt his presence. And he says to me "Dear Lily, why do you still hold me against your parents?" And I started bawling and we talked for a bit. Then he said to me "Well buck up. Better your religion, yourself, and your relationships. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and help someone!" I stuttered a bit then, I was once a gentler soul. Finally he was ready to leave and he says "It is time to go dear Lily. My lady calls and the jackal is ready." And I woke then. Thinking I was nuts, because I wasn't Wiccan then and didn't know about Anubis and Bastest and my great lady Isis (she called to me in a dream. I actually think SnowCat was the one who pointed to Isis when I posted the dream on here). But now I understand. The point in that story was to tell you that understanding comes eventually. All this nonsense and chaos will eventually be order. If our hearts are good and we preserve, all will be clear one day.

Dear Azure Lily,

Thank you so much for the reply. I've read it several times and found comfort there.

This is a time of great change for me. Coming to believe that the hawk truly was a messenger has been a great comfort. Despite all appearances for so long, events are beginning to come together. It's like there's been unseen spiritual warfare and I couldn't figure out where it was all coming from or how to stop it. Recently, it has gotten exponentially worse. But it's finally turning. I'm beginning to win battles now. I'm no longer afraid all the time. And it feels really really good.

My love & gratitude to all,