I’m 39 years old and am male, living pretty close to New York City. I’ve been interested in the occult probably since around the time I was 22 or so and have collected an extensive number of books and other materials on various subjects during that time.
Although I had an interest in spirituality, I always had two conflicts in my mind that I think prevented me from going further down the path. The first as that I as raised Roman Catholic and it was very difficult for me to mentally visualize the divine without the stereotypical ‘old bearded guy’ image. It wasn’t what I believed in, but it was so hard to get around that immediate image that it seemed impossible for me to connect to anything beyond it.
The second issue is that I am very grounded in science. I believe in the power of science, in objective evidence, and in reasonable explanations for things that maybe we just haven’t figured out yet. Although I was interested in the occult, it always made me feel a little bit silly.
All of this changed about a year ago when I moved to a new home in a lovely wooded area with a lower population. Although I had been experimenting with sigil magic and the power of symbology for some time (maybe for the last three-ish years), I had never conducted any actual rituals or experienced a true prayer/casting/session before. I first began to notice a change when the moon was out at night. It was so bright, and its light felt so different out here. For the first time I could see the stars, see the night sky because there was less light pollution, and it just felt different.
I can’t explain it really, but after several weeks of this, of feeling the moonlight bathe me while I was sleeping, I began to see the divine in it. That special, fragile moment of moonlight shining down seemed more to me. I was able to feel for the first time that there could be something more than that bearded old guy in my imagination, and it was with that realization I heard the Goddess I think. At first, I didn’t realize what it was, but I think now it was her voice calling out to me. I can’t explain how, I just KNOW it.
I began to go outside at night under the moonlight, and began to keep a journal which I had started years earlier and that I guess you would call my book of shadows? (Is that the right term?) It started slow (and is still kind of slow) and I only do it when I feel called outside. As time progressed, I started to want to do more, to know more, so I created a small altar out of a stone I hand-carved myself and began to try to perform actual rituals. Around this time, I also researched the Goddesses, and realized that the Goddess I was connecting with was Selene. Again, how do I know this? I have no idea. I didn’t ‘pick’ one from a list, I just knew it was her somehow. It felt and continues to feel completely natural and right, and when I’ve called on her, it made me feel different during my rituals. Lighter, happier, it made things seem to work.
I also read some articles that kind of described the way my reasoning had finally broken through my Catholic upbringing. The writer explained that the divine was the divine, and we all approach it differently and that my vision of it doesn’t have to be in conflict with what others believe or practice. It is personal to each of us. That brought me comfort and I could finally SEE the Goddess in my mind and fully sense her.
So, this brought me to my second problem, the science one. I still felt a little silly, and I certainly wanted to hide what I was doing from others. I’ve been hit with some religious discrimination in the past while attempting to buy my books, and I know that not everyone approves of Witchcraft or the occult. I read some articles about the purpose behind spells, and I realize that science and spells/prayers/rituals don’t have to clash necessarily. Even if I am mistaken about absolutely everything, there is a psychological component and placebo effect which HAS been proven by science. It would be no worse than taking a sugar pill, thinking it was a medicine, and psychologically feeling better about an ailment. This has made me feel a lot less silly about what I’m doing and allowed me to enjoy it more. I find myself looking forward to the moments I can go outside and cast a circle.
On top of my rationalization, I’ve seen AMAZING things I can’t explain. I’ve called out to the Goddess on a cloudy night and watched the clouds break open and a beam of moonlight hit my altar and only my altar. I’ve cast a healing spell on a friend who had a cancer scare and watched her tell me days later that she felt so relieved knowing I had done that and that it had helped her (and was satisfied to learn she was well and didn’t have cancer to boot). I’ve felt the Goddess’s amusement in my bumbling attempts to make her an offering, spilling my offering all over myself and laughing at my own clumsiness.
I still have no idea what the Witch holidays are. I have only the most basic understanding of how to cast a circle. My tools are rudimentary (besides for my carved altar) and mostly household items that I grab really quick to set up a ritual. I can only do this at night, when I feel the Goddess in the moonlight (although I’d like to learn how to find that moment in daylight). I feel like a complete noob, to use a videogame term (love my videogames!). I’ve written over 50 pages in my book of shadows now, from spells and sigils to random thoughts and how each ritual has made me feel.
So, I decided finally to come to places like this, to learn and find out more about what I can do or should do. I think I’m what would be called an ‘Eclectic Witch’ but I’m not even sure of that since my practice resolves around the worship of Selene.
I guess I’ve come here to ask, am I doing this right?
Thanks for reading my ramble! I appreciate the community and resources you have all put here. They have been immensely helpful and informative.
I look forward to learning more and continuing this path!